A Short Story: Stink Tsunami

You all must have already heard about it – the meeting of the Constituent Assembly (1) will not take place in the parliamentary building inside Singha Durbar, but instead it will be held inside (B)ICC, New Baneshwor.

The reason they say is that the parliament building has the seating capacity of around 400 only and thus to accommodate all the 601 CA members, the cabinet has decided to rent (B)ICC hall.

However, these politicians have once again duped us gullible Nepali people – we have been kept in utter dark, darker than the darkest Rana reign.

The main reason is the Stink Tsunami. Yes. Based on research and interviews with some disgruntled government employees, here’s the real story.

We all know how deplorable a state government toilets are in. (No not the public toilets in Ratna Park or Bhrikuti Mandap – which are just a total different story) Lucky are those blessed few in the higher posts (ministers/directors/secretaries) who get to brag about their “attached” toilets in their office rooms.

Worse is, if you are a woman. It’s easier for their male counterparts. Since there are lots of small shrub jungles all around Singh Durbar premises, male species could just relieve themselves any where. Stand and deliver!

However, it’s not that easier for women. So, women in government offices have long been complaining about better and cleaner toilets but their sanitation tribulations have been well ignored by the administration.

Now with almost 33% women in the Constituent Assembly who will be pulling the rein of the “new” Nepal in a very decisive way, some influential female lawmakers met with women government employees and planned to capitalize on this perfect transition period. Thus they convened at a “futpathey” tea-shop just outside Singha Durbar premises and decided to launch an indefinite phase wise protests until their woes and cries are heard and dealt with by the government.

One female CA member revealed the demands, “We want reformed and amended toilet facilities – that that reform must start from the Parliament building itself. We women have always been marginalized, enough is enough. We would hold strikes in several stages. If our demand is not heard by the government, we would also march butt-naked in front of the Singha Durbar gate.”

Another activist cleared, “And learn this, this is no nautanki sautanki. We are not doing it for cheap publicity; we do not have any affiliation with Vikasananda or Manokranti Warriors (2). This is for women’s emancipation.”

With enunciation of the phrase “Women’s Emancipation”, even the hardcore feminists shied away, it was heard.

The pressure started mounting and with much reluctance, the cabinet of ministers eventually heard their demands. With one representatives of each party from the ruling Seven Party Alliance, it decided to form a taskforce (Toilet Taskforce) to probe into the matter.

The investigation began. The taskforce, without any difficulty, found the only women’s toilet in the parliament building. They just had to follow the reek. And there it was, magnificently permeating exotic stink. The aroma was too strong for some of the taskforce members that later they completely gave up eating cheese and chicken. Interestingly, everything they sniffed only smelt the stink for eternity.

The taskforce managed to unveil another crucial finding. The glorious aroma reeked hard and good and it usually found its way to the Prime Minister’s office. What a revelation! No wonder, everyone preferred PM’s official residence at Baluwatar.

“No one comes to this side of Singha Durbar anymore. We have some how adapted and survived this historical peril, it’s not an ordinary feat possible for the dignitaries, elites and illustrious ones,” an employee at the PM’s office, spoke his heart out like an emotional poet.

Without delay, the taskforce submitted its report and concluded that the women’s demands were reasonable and they had been courageously enduring the fragrance with hopes that everything would change in the “new” Nepal. And thus, now if the cabinet betrayed their long awaited hope, the women would carry on phase wise protests and strikes (and a possible butt naked demonstration) with more aggression.

Shaken by the unprecedented situation at hand, the cabinet decided to give in to the demands. Reform the toilet, make it more spacious and cozy, and have an HPTCS (highly paid toilet cleaning squad). Time was not enough for bidding processes, contractors, sontractors and paper works. The cabinet handpicked a team of skilled masons and helpers and swiftly sent them to the mission.

However there was one problem, as the masons and other workers approached the site, a sudden gust of mild breeze carried the – now legendary – stink, knocked them out, making some nauseous, some unconscious and some running for life like a drunken horse.

The breeze grew stronger and violent and it was just a matter of time before it took a catastrophic form. Eyewitnesses nearby, later when matters settled down, told journalists, that they have never experienced such a torrent of stink. They said it was “god send”. The media hailed it as “Stink Tsunami”.

The tsunami in its hellish rampage, managed to whisk inside the main parliamentary hall and then, it was a total chaos. The aftermath: parliament building along with several other offices in Singha Durbar area – oozing with the glorious stink. Many said, it was one of the worst natural disasters in Nepal.

The government was distraught – what if the wave of such magnificent embarrassment traveled to the neighbouring countries. China was safe, Mount Everest stood so tall and proud, but India and other SAARC nations were potentially prone areas. Nepal’s pride was on the line. It was time for an alternative.

The cabinet convened again, anxious and worried – decided to deal with “stink hitting the neighbours” later. The primary concern was holding the first sitting of the Constituent Assembly within 21 days of the election result. They could not afford to amend the interim constitution – the people would not just take this kind of crap again and again.

The only option was to use the Birendra International Convention Center located at New Baneshwor. Rumors had it that the center had a series of state of the art toilets. One of the cabinet members opposed to the idea stating that it would be an insult to the people of the new Republic Nepal to convene at a place smeared by Royal name. It was but just a minor glitch.

The cabinet instantly agreed on omitting Birendra and renaming the center as ICC only. Problem solved. The cabinet sighed huge relief, the protest outside Singha Durbar stopped, and the lawmakers had new toilets to honor – stainless and stinkfree.

Stink Tsunami jai hoos jai hoos.

(The names of those willing to speak out have been kept anonymous lest their lives be in peril. If this write up stinks, hail the stink tsunami.)

———

Footnotes:

1) The first meeting of the Constituent Assembly has been fixed for May 15, 2008.

2) Manokranti = Bare Ass Propoganda

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One Response to A Short Story: Stink Tsunami

  1. […] Nepali blogger, ShutUp is hilarious. I thoroughly enjoyed his Manokranti=Bare Ass Propaganda and A Short Story: Stink Tsunami posts. Good stuff, […]

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